Recognizing and diagnosing signs of Ordinary Adolescent Syndrome - from one in the know!

Warning: take following with liberal dose of salt. While in essence true, the generalizations and other statements should not be taken literally. You've been warned!

There have, no doubt, been many hundreds of entirely useful and elegant prose showered upon this category. I will no doubt echo the sentiments of many others who have come before me, and thus may very well repeat myself endlessly until no real conclusions have been made and I have completely made a donkey's cousin out of myself (substitute for @ss). However, I come from the unique perspective, not of that of a teenager, but of one who has just recently been one, and due to various vagaries of calendars and birthdates, can no longer be technically counted as such. However, as I am far more mature (sic) than most my age, I believe I am in a position of authority when it comes to this subject. What, you don't believe me?? Ptooey to you!

I come from the viewpoint that I am an entity known as Superior Adolescent, eyeing with disdain those below who are Ordinary Adolescent, all of which come in various shapes, sizes and guises. As Superior Adolescent (SA), my tastes, opinions, fashions and sensibilities have evolved to be far beyond those of the Ordinary Adolescent (OA). Notwithstanding, I have come to some judgments about those of the peasant class, which do not apply to the SA class, and thus you MUST not think these things about me. Telepathy is a useful tool in rooting out such heresy. Bwahahahaha.

The OA is a moody creature, given to outstanding and entirely entertaining bursts of sunshine and melancholy. There is no guideline as to how long these last for, only that one small thing one way or the other can set the OA into a spasmodic and dramatic foray into the opposing mood. It does not have to be a particularly defining moment - the fact that the OA may have missed dinner, been unable to purchase that Unhappy F*cking Retards CD they so desired, or been caught in the toilets with a ciggie, may be enough to send the OA into a funk of indescribable inanity and hilarity. This funk may last for several weeks, five minutes, or an intervening period during which the surliness of a hungry bear would be no match for the ferocity of the irritated OA. After this period is over, the OA will need to have something to eat.

The OA is extremely inured to what is known as the sheep factor. As has been documented by sheepherder's of various nations, sheep have a natural propensity to 'follow the leader', as if it were some kind of funny, instinctive game that ought to be played for survival. The OA does just this. Once one person of a highly regarded vintage has taken up some sort of abiding 'fashion', as it were, the rush to follow in the manner of so many hoofed creatures becomes a stampede of folly. To wit: not long ago, nary a year ago, a studded belt, in shades of white, was featured somewhere, worn by someone. In these days, one cannot escape the female OA's wearing said belt. It has come to the stage where various SA's have banded together to outlaw these hideous belts in an attempt to introduce a curious concept known as originality to said females. Strangely enough, the idea has yet to catch on, and we in the SA position are left bemused and amused as luxuriantly coiffed and made-up tarts of the Anglo-Saxon variety continue to wear exactly the same thing.

One presiding and overriding feature of the OA is a lack of fashionability. This is wholly independent of the sheep factor, which is often an aftershock of this first tremor. Working in a supermarket (as an SA, I need to place myself undercover in a place where OAs may congregate on a regular basis in order to observe), I have witnessed many examples of this problem. Perhaps as an attempt to emulate or even escape the parental units, the OA has developed a curiously underdeveloped sense of fashion taste.

This extends mainly to clothes, but also to other things which may be discussed forthwith. The clothing issue is one which still remains a mystery. It remains a source of great intrigue as to why the OA dresses as it does. The male of the species tends to the casual, with emphasis on casual. This concept is extended to the wearing of the same raiment over successions of days, or even weeks, with no noticeable attempts to clean said garments. The usual accoutrements contain various subliminal messages and symbols, usually accompanied by Nike, Adidas or any other corporate body of high standing and low standard. The female of the species tends to dress in a manner to attract the male OA. This generally means as little as decently possible, or if it dressed up fully, in a manner still suggestive. This includes several oil deposits' worth of make up and hair accessory. It also includes a white, studded belt. This generally starts from age 12 and up, with the younger ones keen to get a head start in the world of the OA.

Still on matters of taste (and incorporating elements of fashionability and the sheep factor), and the need to escape the clutches of the parental unit and conventional society, is the need for the OA to subject themselves to extreme aural trauma. Perhaps in an attempt to toughen themselves up for the progression to Ordinary Adulthood (or OAD), or perhaps to send a message to the parental unit that they are stronger than would be normally thought, this torture is applied sometimes continuously throughout the course of a given day. Alas, corporations of high standing and low standard exploit this sado-masochistic propensity, and continue to produce and reproduce high quantities of instruments for the infliction of pain. These commonly come at a moderate cost - the ability for the OA to continually soak up the monetary loss in order to further the aural experimentation speaks of a lack of civilizing force, or perhaps an unnatural genetic mutation. Research persists.

The interaction between the OA sexes is also one of abiding fascination to the SA order. Being sexually austere and restrained ourselves, it is oftimes a source of great interest to see the OA mating procedure at work. Often this involves large quantities of poison imbibing (allegedly also called alcohol) and repeated aural torture as outlined above. Having established contact, the OA of either sex attempts to figure out the OA status of the other. If there is success in creating a substantial OA link, things progress naturally. Any lingering strains of SA traits are often quickly noticed, and the OA of the pair quickly breaks off contact by referring to the SA as either "queer", "odd", or otherwise insulting remark.

If the OA contact has been successful, there is further consumption of poison, until one or both parties is in no position to be objective or in fact upwardly mobile to any satisfactory degree. Then, escape from aural torture is often mandatory in order to fully integrate the mating procedure. The rest, as they say, is history, and sometimes a fledgling OA is produced from this sequence of events.

The relationship between the OA and the parental units is often a fraught one. The parental unit, a disillusioned and hard-working person of integrity, honesty and intelligence, is often tested by the rebellion of the OA and the disintegration of concepts imbued upon them as a child. The parental unit becomes a figure of anxiety, which often comes across to the OA as dominating or nagging (which may or may not be correct). The OA becomes a source of great concern to the parental unit, who may seek to curb or limit the liberties of the OA. The OA will instinctively resist, and may not see the limitations in the light they were intended. Many misunderstandings and causes of friction will occur before the parental unit and the OA come to a vague association of where they stand. Often, the OA and parental unit will be amicable, but beware the sudden mood changes. These will subtly undermine any ground made between the OA and parental unit.

The OA is a creature of great intrigue and interest. I do hope my dissertation upon some of their most pertinent traits has been of some use, regardless of your position. If you have any comments to make at all, please feel free to come forward and do so. All will be welcomed!

Excerpted from The Encouraging Parent by Rod Wallace Kennedy, Ph.D.

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