If you have an unruly, out of control teen, you know how long weekends can seem. Summer can often feel like a giant miserable weekend. The stress we parents feel beginning on Friday afternoons which doesn't let up until Monday mornings when the teen will, hopefully, at least be busy for a few hours in school, often snowballs to unbearable proportions over the summer months. Already I've witnessed several emotional breakdowns in parents at their wits end just two weeks into the dog days of vacation. Therefore, I want to pass out a little emotional ammunition to help support you through the summer months.

This week, I'm going to talk a bit about "Enabling". Members of Alanon can tell you all about the ramifications of enabling. Out of control teens and alcoholics show many of the same behaviors and have much the same effect on their families. In order to best show the similarities, below is a brief quiz designed to assess whether we are helping or enabling an alcoholic. To show the similarities, I simply exchanged mentions of alcoholics or alcoholism with "teen" or "behaviors".

Have you ever blamed yourself for his/her behavior?

Have you ever excused a school or work absence for your troubled teen, or lied about his symptoms?

Have you avoided talking about his/her behavior in order to "keep the peace"?

Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?

Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself?

Have you loaned him money to avoid argument after your troubled teen frittered away his salary?

Have you given him "one more chance" a dozen times over?

Have you threatened consequences but then did not follow through?

Have you ever finished a job or project that troubled teen failed to complete himself?

Members of Alanon will tell you that "Helping" is doing something for someone that they are incapable of doing for themselves and that "Enabling" is doing things someone should darned well be doing for themselves. Now, answer truthfully. Are you Helping your out of control teen or are you Enabling his or her behaviors?

Why is knowing this important? Understanding that we must cease enabling our troubled teen's out of control behavior is the first step toward following through with another Alanon key word, "Detachment". Learning to detach ourselves from the emotional turmoil the behaviors of our out of control teens cause is what eventually saves both us and them. Detachment returns our sanity by allowing us to find a place of mental peace and spiritual strength for ourselves. In order to think clearly, act decisively and help our children without enabling, we must learn the art of detachment.

Next week we will explore the glories of detachment. Until then, quiz yourself and write down the ways in which you may be enabling your child's behavior while meaning to help them.

When I say "detach", I'm not talking about removing yourselves from your parental roles. What I am talking about is regaining control of your home by removing yourself from the emotional turmoil caused by the behaviors of your troubled teen. In order to best lead our troubled teens into maturity we must let go of our emotional reactions to their less than optimum actions.

By detaching we allow our children to face the consequences of their actions. Life often gives no second chances. Life, in fact, is fairly quick to pile up consequences, both good and bad, quite swiftly. In your home you are giving your troubled teen a taste of the swift sureness of life's consequences in a safer, more controlled environment. While no one outside your home has to love your teens when they goof, they come to know that their parents will. Parental love is their safety net whether they realize it or not.

Detachment is refusing to condone, through enabling reactions, our children's poor choices. We detach ourselves by letting go and allowing our children to learn from life's consequences. We detach by letting go and refusing to glorify our children's poor behaviors with a draining emotional reaction. We detach by treating our children like young adults. Being treated like an adult is, after all, what they are telling you they want. Allow them to taste the richness of adult responsibilities in all their glory.

Your best friend of 18 years confides in you that he/she is having an extramarital affair. Do you yell and scream at her? Do you ground her for the rest of her natural life? Do you end your friendship? Unless he/she is having this affair with your spouse or your teen I doubt you would do any of the above. At most you'd probably groan and say "OHmyword... do you really think that's wise?" You would naturally be concerned and care about your friend, but I seriously doubt you'd judge them and sentence them to eternal damnation for their choices, ending an 18 year relationship. Neither would you embrace or congratulate choices your friend makes that you believe are wrong.

Your friend will face the consequences of his/her actions, all you can do is provide a willing ear in the aftermath. This is the same emotional detachment we must learn to use with our troubled teens. We do not remove the love, we only remove the emotional reaction to their bad behaviors. We do not bail them out of trouble, we merely provide a willing ear and encouragement in the aftermath. If your teen becomes verbally abusive, do not give them the satisfaction of the usual reaction. Refuse to react. Detach. Find a place of inner quiet and leave your teen to argue alone. Ignore their efforts to control the situation. Your word was final and enough and does not need to be repeated into the ground. If your child wishes to argue, he/she can argue to an empty room.

Use a parent/teen behavior contract to help you remain consistent. Do not give repeated chances to correct behavior, detach yourself from arguments, do not be judgmental. Accept the fact that the rules were not obeyed, allow the consequences and move on. Providing a willing ear does not mean you stand and listen to your teen rant and rave about the consequences. Encourage them through supportive comments such as "I've known you for 17 years, I have every faith that if you had the strength to make this choice, you also have the strength and intellect to accept the consequences." That said, move on, no argument.

These are not your consequences anymore than it was your choice of behavior that led to them. Your teen made the choice, these are your teen's consequences for that decision. Stress that fact. Add into your contract that you will not judge or harass them for their mistakes. They are free now to make mistakes and learn from them. This will sound great to your teen! But then you add the parental whammy to that section of the contract by reminding them that the consequences they agreed to in the contract will hold without argument, because if there are no consequences, good or bad, there are no life lessons learned.

Gentle detachment is all part of the natural cutting of the apron strings that bind your teen to childhood. Detachment helps both you and your teen become emotionally prepared for the day that they are on their own and you are no longer in control of their lives. I'm going to leave you with a link to a page that many of my message board parents have found helpful. I suggest to them that they do as I did and print the page out and put it where they can readily read it several times a day. Whenever I had to make tough decisions, or allow hard consequences, this page gave me great inner peace and strength.

Links for school safety and violence prevention Links for Parents Protecting Children From Abuse Links for helping young people with emotional and behavioral problems Links For And About Teenagers Runaways Aggression:Teen Aggression Directly Related to Popularity. A.D.D: Dealing With Attention Disorders Broken Homes: Divorce And Successful Parenting, Effects Of Divorce Of Education, Effects Of Parental Fights On Teens, Separation and Divorce, Step parenting An Out Of Control Teen, Step parenting Successfully Cursing Or Mood Swings: Foul Language Of Teens Defiance And Anger: Adolescent Behavior Problem, Teen Anger Delinquency: Some Proposed Reasons For Teen Delinquency Depression: Dealing With Teen Depression, More About Teen Depression,Teen Depression Emotional Problems: Understanding Emotional Changes Failing In School: Parental Involvement In Teen Education Feelings Of Despair: Adolescent Anxiety Help For Teens: About Wilderness Camps, Behavior Modification, Convincing Teens To Get Help, Counseling For Your Teen, Helping Teens Hit The Target, Programs Give 2nd Chance To Youth, Solutions For Teens In Trouble, Therapy For Your Teen Lack Of Discipline: Adolescents and Decision Making, Chores Foster Responsibility, Discipline: Love and Limits, Punishment vs. Discipline,What Is Discipline Lack Of Motivation: How To Motivate Your Teen Lack Of Respect: Respect Concerning Different Subjects Lack Of Self-Control:Dating And Sexual Activity, High Risk Behavior, What The Bible Says On Self Control Minor Legal Problems: Teen Crime Prevention Negative Group Of Friends:Adolescence And Peer Pressure, Dealing With Teen Peer Pressure, Handling Teen Peer Groups Peer Pressure Oppositional Defiant Disorder:Oppositional Defiant Disorder Parenting Tips And General Help: 7 Steps For Coping With A Negative Child, 7 Tips For Parenting Teens,10 Secrets Teens Want You To Know, Hard Times For Girls, more... Rebellious Behavior And Violence: Teen Fashion, Piercings, and Tattoos, Teen Gang Prevention Refusing To Follow Rules:About Making Rules, About Parent-Teen Contracts, Effective Problemsolving With Teens, Negotiating Rules And Contracts, Setting Limits Running Away: Teen Runaway Prevention,Teen Runaways Substance Abuse Issues:Drug Use and Teens, Teen Drug Prevention, Teens And Smoking,Ways To Prevent Drug And Alcohol Use Suicidal Tendencies: Teen Suicide Prevention Teen In Crisis: Factors Of Troubled Teens,Helping Teens With Stress, Teens And Recent Tragic Events