One of the differences is our approach to the whole topic. When we talked about writing this book as a father/son team, we really wanted it to be very personal, but we also wanted it to be very biblical. Some books choose to approach it from sociological or psychological points of view, and that's great. However, we wanted to look at this topic from the view of what God says and how God has demonstrated in Himself the attributes of fathering that we want to imitate.

The relationship with my dad is really what began the whole idea for the book. My dad grew up in a home where he did not have a good father model. His dad left him and his mom when he was just ten years old. However, he determined to serve God and decided that he would be a godly father. By God's grace he's been able to do that, so we have a great relationship because of that. We enjoy playing tennis together, we enjoy ministering together, and this was our first time writing together. That relationship was really pretty much the heart of the book and what started it.

Each chapter explores a different biblical attribute that fathers should apply to their own role as dads. Before we explore some of these, tell us how you came up with these attributes when so many fatherly examples in Scripture are bad?

Unfortunately, that's really true. A lot of the human examples are sad stories and problem stories, but that's the realistic nature of the Bible. That's human experience; we struggle and sometimes things don't always go perfect in the home. I think we can learn from the bad examples as well as the good ones. As we look at them we want to also look at the positive and perfect example of God and the very fact that He chooses to present Himself as our Father.

That's very interesting; God could have presented Himself to us in any way He chose, yet the relational example that He uses is that of father to children. If that's the way God wants to present Himself, how can we as fathers learn from that and grow from that by studying those attributes? That's what we attempt to do in this book. There are a lot of attributes of God, and we try to focus on the ones that are related to His fathering role with us. We then add in the examples of the human families in the Bible, both positive and negative, and that's where the 15 chapters came from.

I think that God is telling us that He has created the family and loves the family. He is showing us that the relational model is one that He appreciates and wants us to learn from. He has given it to us as a gift.

Parents of teenagers can find out in their own relational experience a little bit more about how to relate to God. I think that's God's way of bringing Himself down to our level where we can figure him out a little bit more. We can figure out what the relationship with Him is all about because we experience it every day in our own families.

Let's explore a couple of these attributes. The first one you mention is humor. Why is it so important for dads to have humor, and how can fathers work on developing this if they don't have it?

We chose this one because we felt it was one that we sometimes overlook. We forget that God is a God of joy and that He does have a sense of humor. Even as our Father, He wants us to be filled with His joy. As human fathers, we sometimes miss that joy. Sometimes we miss the humor that God wants for us, and we are sometimes so serious and stern in our family relationships and in what happens in our homes that we miss that joy. We wanted to put that right up front and catch a little attention there with one of God's unusual character traits.

I think one way for dads to incorporate humor is to sometimes just stop, look, and listen and realize how funny life is! You can't live in a home with a family without realizing that. There are all the funny things that kids say and do - even on into the teen years. Those are precious moments, and as dads we need to make sure that we don't miss them. Sometimes we need to be the ones to instigate them and bring that humor and joy into the home by what we say and do.

I think it's a little different in each person's case, but sometimes it's just busyness. That's probably the most common reason. We just get so wrapped up in our schedules, routines, and activities that we don't take time to enjoy conversation and fun games. We don't play with each other as a family as God intends for us to do. Because of that we lose some of the humor.

Sometimes we just take things and ourselves a little too serious. There are definitely serious moments and serious responsibilities that we have as fathers and parents, but if we never find time for fun and joy then we are out of balance, and I think we're missing what God wants for us. Another attribute that you talk about in the book is the attribute of grace and mercy. Talk to dads about how to strike a good balance between grace and discipline.

That's a good question. There is definitely a place for discipline and that is a part of what we do, but we must do it in an attitude of grace and mercy. That's the way God deals with us; He is very much a God of justice and righteousness, but He brings that to us in arms of grace, love, and mercy. I think that we must discipline our children consistently, but at the same time we must also love them consistently and unconditionally. That's part of the balancing act that we must go through.

Some of the biblical examples that we share in the book are negative such as the example of Saul and Jonathan. Saul certainly loved his son, but he was so strict and severe in his relationships that he didn't really express love. He didn't show grace and mercy when he needed to and when it would have been perfectly right and legitimate to. We can definitely see the consequences that came of that unbalance in Saul's life.

Communication is another one of the attributes that you talk about. So many men struggle in this area. They struggle to communicate well with their wives and with their kids. Talk about how dads can improve in this area.

I wish there was an easy fix for that one, but it's a reality that men struggle with communication. I think one of the things we can do is just really trust God to help us initiate communication more. Sometimes I think that's where we miss it. Once we get into talking with our kids, it often comes a little easier. Usually where we fail is at that very first point of making the time and asking the right questions.

We need to find a comfortable and easy situation, especially with our teenagers, where the words can flow. If we'll just take that first step, then sometimes the words will come and our kids will respond. They usually won't take the first step, so we need to take initiative and let them know that we want to hear their hearts and better understand them. Once they know and understand that, then often they will communicate better with us.

Some dads think that consistently communicating with their teens is not really that important. How important is communication for the development of that child?

I think it's definitely important because it's really the only way that the real heart relationship can be developed. Yes, we show our kids that we love them by the things we do for them and things we do with them. Yes, they know it by the fact that we are providing for them and taking care of them, but they also need to hear it...and not just with the occasional "I love you." They need more than that.

They need to know it from the fact that we take the time to listen to them and talk to them. Communication is a two way street. It's not just the sharing of words, but it's the sharing of understanding. It means that we speak to them so that they understand us, and we listen to them so that we can better understand them. Without that level of communication, the love relationship cannot really grow and move ahead the way God wants it to.

Another attribute that you and your dad explored in this book that is very closely related to communication is intimacy. What are you telling dads about this?

One of the things we want to say is that we shouldn't be afraid of intimacy. Sometimes, as men and as dads, we kind of keep those walls around us. We don't want to get too close or become too vulnerable. Yet, our kids need that from us. They need to hear our heart; they need to get to know us in a close and intimate way.

Our challenge to dads is to do what God has done for us; He has shown Himself to us and is very willing to get close to us. Sometimes that becomes a little more awkward as our kids grow up and get older. Maybe they're not jumping up into our laps anymore, and they're not wrestling on the floor with us. It's in the teen years that we need to come alongside of them and put an arm around them and let them know we're there. That's important for them to know, and that is very much a part of what intimacy is all about.

One attribute you talk about is holiness. You spend some time looking at the poor fathering example of Eli when he allowed his sons' wickedness to go unchecked. How can men avoid falling into the same lack of holiness problem that Eli had?

Unfortunately, Eli is a negative example. Here's a man who had responsibilities as a priest in Israel to be a model of godliness and righteousness. As far as we can tell from the Scriptural record, he did his job as a priest fine, but he failed as a father. He didn't instruct his sons, he didn't discipline them, and he didn't restrain them when they started sinning. They had positions of authority as sons of the priest in the tabernacle, but they were abusing that authority and and were sinning against God.

As fathers, w e can't say, "Well, I'm doing fine in my business, and I'm active in the church. What else could God want from me?" What God desires is that we be holy and godly fathers, setting an example for our kids. They need to see it in us - not just at church or work - but in the home. They need to see that we are sold out to God, that we love Him, and that we are striving for purity and godliness in our own lives. As kids see that, then they will have a model of holiness that they can learn from.

It's not just that we tell our kids what to do, but we must live out that life for them so that they see it in us everyday. We won't be perfect, but they will see in us a desire to serve God and live for Him. It isn't just a matter of listening to what we say, but they need to have an example to follow.

Talk to fathers who - after hearing us talk about some of these Godly aspects - just feel like they are failing. What words of encouragement can you offer them?

I hope that this book will be a real encouragement; that was our desire in writing this. My dad and I both learned that in looking at God's attributes, we see in Him forgiveness, which is shown so clearly in the parable of the prodigal son. God reaches out to us no matter what we've done or how we've failed as fathers.

Even if we sense that we are failing, God loves us, He will forgive us, and He will help us. He wants to bring us back and restore us and strengthen us. We can also know that He is our Father, and He models that for us and gives us grace and strength to do what He has called us to do. That is so encouraging because we cannot do it on our own. Knowing that God will be our Father and help us is where our hope comes from.

What about the woman who has heard or read our conversation and feels discouraged by her husband because he does not display many of these attributes. What words of encouragement could you offer her?

The first thing she needs to do is to go to the Heavenly Father and realize that He is sufficient and will be there for her as her by loving and encouraging her. The second thing she should do is look for ways to encourage her husband. Maybe through hearing or reading this conversation, she will better understand what fathers face; it's not an easy job! Sometimes just that understanding can help her out a little.

My wife has been such an encouragement to me. Her mothering instincts come so easily for her. I sometimes wonder why my fathering instincts don't come as easy to me. Yet she has done some very specific things to help me. When our kids were younger, she would make sure that when I came home from work the kids were anticipating my arrival and ready to play with me. She knew I needed that time to set aside the stress of the office and be with the kids.

I think the wife who is struggling in that way can help her husband by looking for ways to encourage him like that. That would probably be the most important thing she can do for him.

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