Until the day several close friends of ours cornered my husband and I to tell us that we no longer even vaguely resembled the couple they had met a mere two years earlier, I had paid no attention to the personal effects of the day to day struggle with our troubled son. We knew we felt bad, but our problems seemed miniscule compared to the monumental task of rescuing our teen from his own behaviors.

What we didn't understand was that just as the ripples from our teen were affecting us, so was our depression and stress affecting everyone around us and our physical health. We didn't have the time or energy to devote to each other, to our younger son, our extended families or our friends. We were cranky. We were always tired. We suffered from headaches, joint aches and muscle pains. We were cranky. We alternated between constipation and diarrhea. My husband's blood pressure could have powered a few NASA launches. Did I mention we were cranky? Worse, our lack of patience, stamina and energy were affecting our ability to be consistant in parenting our teen, thus exacerbating the entire situation.

Parents of troubled teens are on the front lines of a bloody emotional war. Just like combat veterans we can develop stress related disorders. Our brains have evolved to aid us in emergencies. Signals are sent within our brains which can cause us to experience less pain and swelling when injured so that we can escape, our heart rates increase and blood is diverted to our muscles so that we can flee quickly from danger. The brain also saves the entire crisis experience to memory so that these responses will come more quickly in the future. These were invaluable traits when we were hunting, gathering and fleeing from saber toothed tigers, and they can still come in quite handy on occasion downtown. However, this very mechanism which is meant for self-preservation, can be injurous to our health over time.

Various hormones released during prolonged periods of stress can cause heart disease, decreased bone density, and affect the autoimmune system. In studies involving repeated negative experiences from which there is no escape, test subjects lose weight, and have a higher likelihood of developing ulcers and other gastro-intestinal problems, hypertension and some cancers. When a test subject is placed in this situation and cannot escape from the negative experiences, even when an escape possibility is provided, the subject does not attempt to flee. The brain has committed to memory the fact that there is no escape. In the emotional battle with our troubled teens parents often feel hopeless, that there is no way to escape the torment. After a time we cease to wonder if the torment will ever end, we simply accept our fate, opening the door for a torrent of health problems.

Why are parents not seeking help? In our case we had several issues at work. One, we were so engrossed in the battle we put our own health at a low priority. Two, we believed the stigma of mental health which claims "it's all in your head, deal with it". This stigma was in evidence at one doctor's office when I finally reached out to him for help. He told me I should "get out more". Sadly, I'm not kidding. Luckily, spurred on by a tenacious group of friends and my online support group I changed doctors and was immediately taken seriously. The effects of depression and stress had caused havoc on my physical condition, and if I had not found treatment I could have suffered irreparable harm. The stigma associated with mental illness is address in Mental Health: Report of the Surgeon General, "When people understand that mental disorders are not the result of moral failings or limited will power, but are legitimate illnesses that are responsive to specific treatments, much of the negative stereotyping may dissipate."

Please, schedule and keep regular appointments with your physician to prevent the many stress related illnesses. Ask your doctor to also refer you to a mental health professional. Meditation and/or prayer are known to reduce stress. Creative expression is also an outlet for relieving anxiety. We must acknowledge our own emotional health as an issue central to helping our disturbed children. We can care for no one if we ourselves are ill.

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